Something or Nothing

A Short History of Dalston Falstaff FC

This story is a work of fiction and parody. All characters, places and events are fictional or exaggerated for satirical effect. Any resemblance to real people living or deceased, places or events is coincidental. The story is not affiliated, sponsored or endorsed by any real entities, brands or individuals.

Introduction

‘Something or Nothing’ is a short chronical of the English Premier League football club, Dalston Falstaff FC, from its formation in 1884 to the current day. It documents the Club’s history, successes, rivalries and many failures, concluding with the catastrophic events of the 2025/26 season off and on the pitch, a season which conclusively finalised the demise of a once great football club.

Heritage

Based in Dalston, London and recognised as one of Europe’s elite football clubs commanding a global fanbase, Dalston Falstaff was formed in 1884 by local gentlemen’s hairdresser, Freddie ‘Fanny’ Falstaff. The Club adopted its founder’s name as its suffix and not as common misconception, in reference to Falstaff the careless, plodding and chaotic character in Shakespeare’s ‘Henry IV, Part 1’.

During its formative years, the Club’s primary aim was to raise funds and to engage in wholesome recreation, those of the local young men from north London, who had fallen into deprivation as rent boys, forced to ply their trade in the Chelsea area of the capital. During these early years, the Club also established its strong and enduring roots with London’s Jewish community, who found a welcoming home and common culture of fatalism at Dalston Falstaff FC.

From inception, the Club’s motto was and remains ‘Au Dere est Fuched’. Shortly after its formation the Club adopted the nickname it retains today, ‘The Falls’. They are also known unofficially to their fans and the football world alike as ‘The Lilylivers’, in reference to their lilywhite shirts and the fact that their original ground stood on the site of a chopped-liver factory. Since 1887, Dalston Falstaff players have proudly worn on their shirt, the Club’s crest – a navy-blue chicken atop a football, bearing the Club’s motto. Their iconic home ground, Lily Liver Lane, remained the Club’s spiritual home from 1889 to 2017.

A Club of ‘Firsts’

The Club has a proud history of footballing ‘firsts’: the first amateur club to win the FA Cup; the first British club to win a European trophy; first to lose seven consecutive FA Cup semi-finals; first to allow an arch-rival (Arsenal) to win the League Championship on their own home ground (twice at Lily Liver Lane); first and only football club to have a pejorative named after them *(‘Fallsy’); first and only club in Premier League history to lose 10 matches where they led by two goals or more; the first member of the so-called English ‘Big Six’ and the Deloitte European Money League ‘Top Ten’ to be relegated; and the first club to be relegated in the same season as an arch-rival (Arsenal), won both the Premiership title and the European Champions League.

‘Fallsy’ – a derogatory term to describe a tendency to squander advantageous positions

Early Years

From 1884, the Club successfully worked its way up from local leagues to the Southern League, in 1901 winning the FA Cup enroute. Progressing through Division Two, by the start of the First World War, Dalston Falstaff were members of the First Division. Football was suspended during the war years but shortly after the end of hostilities, on 10^th March,1919, the English Football League held a meeting to discuss how league football would resume post-war. It was decided that the composition of the First Division was to be expanded from twenty to twenty-two competing teams. Despite Falstaff finishing nineteenth in the pre-war First Division and an arch-rival (Arsenal) finishing only sixth in the Second, it was arch-rival (Arsenal) who gained the necessary votes to progress to the new twenty-two team First Division, at the expense of Dalston Falstaff who were summarily relegated to Division Two. To make matters worse for Falstaff, London rival, Chelsea, who had finished bottom of the First Division and so below Falstaff, maintained their membership in the expanded Division One. Dalston Falstaff had not for the last time been out flanked and left behind by their London neighbours. Arch-rival (Arsenal) have remained in England’s topflight Division ever since.

1920 - 1959

As has typically been the case, the era between 1920 – 1959 saw Dalston Falstaff experience a rollercoaster of fortunes, oscillating between winning domestic trophies and spending periods of struggle, being relegated twice during the period to the second tier of English football, where they remained for over 10 years. They were four times defeated FA Cup semi-finalists, but there was an FA Cup victory in 1921 and one of their only two top-tier domestic championships was won in 1951. This success was achieved under the management of Stan Rollock, using the innovative ‘bob and weave’ tactic. Arch-rival (Arsenal) were the most successful English football club during this period, accumulating seven league titles and three FA Cup wins.

1960s

Under the management of the legendary Neil Bickleston, this decade became known to Dalston Falstaff fans as the ‘Glory, Glory’ years. Looking through the glory hole, we see the Club won the domestic League and FA Cup ‘double’ in 1961, retained the FA Cup in ’62 and won the European Cup Winners Cup Winners Cup Cup in ’63. The FA Cup was won again in 1967. During their league winning success of 1960/61, the team won their first eleven consecutive games, then a top-flight record which stood for decades. This achievement is only more recently overshadowed by arch-rival (Arsenal) whose team of ‘Invincibles’ completed the entire 2003/04 season unbeaten.

1970s

Whilst the 1960s were the Club’s halcyon years, the 1970s brought more downs than ups. Falstaff’s 1971 home defeat at Lily Liver Lane in the last game of the season against arch-rival (Arsenal), gave the Gunners the League Championship. Five days later, Arsenal added an FA Cup Final win, so equalling Falstaff’s achievement ten years earlier of a League and Cup ‘double’. Consequently, any bragging rights that might have existed for Falstaff fans in this regard, were extinguished that May night. Much of the timidity and insecurity witnessed on and off the pitch at Falstaff since then and continuing to this day at an accelerated pace, can trace roots back to that evening of capitulation on 3^rd May, 1971.

The 1970s were also marred by hooliganism on the terraces. Falstaff’s hooligan element had a number of well documented ‘tear-ups’, notably with London rivals Chelsea and Millwall. In 1974 the Club lost a UEFA Cup Final in Rotterdam to Dutch club Feyenoord, the riots that followed the game being perhaps the first example of English football hooliganism exported to the streets of Europe. Poor form on the pitch and a deep-felt sadness and helplessness at what he observed that night in Rotterdam, led to the resignation of Dalston Falstaff’s talisman and icon Neil Bickleson, who served as Manager from 1958 to 1974. He was replaced by Norris Teal, an unpopular choice amongst Fallstaff fans as Teal was an ex-player of the Lilylivers’ arch-rival (Arsenal). Teal resigned his position at Falstaff in 1976 after just 18 months, to accept the Manager role at Falstaff’s arch-rival (Arsenal), taking Falstaff’s centre-half Dick Old, across north London with him. Falstaff’s one ray of light and hope through the turmoil of the 1970s had been the consistent form of their much loved and long serving goalkeeper, Jeff Pannings. In 1977 to fans’ dismay, Pannings was sold to arch-rival (Arsenal). Later in 1977, Dalston Falstaff were relegated to the then Second Division. Pannings went on to win the FA Cup with arch-rival (Arsenal) in 1979.

1980s

Despite in the last few games of the season almost throwing away promotion from Division Two back to Division One, in 1978, Dalston Falstaff did bounce straight back to the topflight at the first attempt. As the club prepared during pre-season 1978, Manager, Raith Curtainstore broke new ground by signing two of Argentina’s 1978 World Cup winners. Under Curtainstore, both players would be instrumental in Dalston Falstaff’s consecutive FA Cup and UEFA Cup successes of the early eighties. Curtainstore’s team blended the perfect mix of skill, guile, flair and when needed, violence. Graeme Huddle and Armadillo Osmosis were the magicians of the team, Garret Grooks and Archie Stevebald scored the goals, while the crunching tackles and red cards were the domain of Robert Graham, Paul Grinder and Falstaff legend Perry Steveman. During Curtainstore’s tenure as manager between 1977 and 1984, he and his team were able to deliver something no Dalston Falstaff teams have been able to since – success and pride. After leading his team to UEFA Cup victory in 1984, Manager Raith Curtainstore resigned. On leaving the stadium for the last time, a frustrated Curtainstore looking over his shoulder at the ground he was leaving behind, commented ‘there used to be a football club over there’. His words were prophetic and nothing as insightful would be said about the Club until, almost 40 years later, then Manager, Romeo Contrari would have his say.

Whilst Falstaff’s trophy haul in the 1980s was a cause for celebration with two FA Cups and a UEFA cup win, in the same period arch-rival (Arsenal) won a League Title, an FA Cup, and two League Cups.

After Curtainstore’s’ resignation, the remainder of the eighties did not progress so well. In 1987, after earning a 1-0 victory away to arch-rival (Arsenal) in the first leg of the League Cup semi-final and despite then taking a lead in the return leg at Lily Liver Lane and so a 2-0 lead on aggregate, Falstaff conceded two goals, allowing their arch-rival (Arsenal) to level the tie. It transpired that at half-time in the second leg and trailing 2-0 on aggregate, the Arsenal players were inspired by two unlikely events. Firstly, during the break, the Lily Liver Lane stadium announcer began setting out ticket arrangements for the Final at Wembley. Secondly, the stadium DJ chose to play the song ‘Falstaff are on their Way to Wembley’ over the loudspeaker system. Subsequently, arch-rival (Arsenal), inspired by the premature celebrations in Lily Liver Lane, pulled the aggregate score back to 2-2. Despite going to extra time, the two teams could not resolve the match and a coin toss determined that a single sudden death replay would be played at Lily Liver Lane three days later. In that replay, Falstaff again scored first. But again, the lead was overturned by arch-rival (Arsenal) with two goals in the last seven minutes of the match, the winner coming in injury time. The Gunners went on to win the trophy in the Final. Fans of arch-rival (Arsenal) began publishing a match day fanzine, titled, ‘One Nil Down, Two One Up’.

Later in that same year, a heavily fancied Falstaff went on to lose in the FA Cup Final to Coventry City. At the end of 1987, The Sun newspaper published allegations that then Dalston Falstaff Manager, Dick Roosh, had been cautioned by Police three times for curb crawling. Roosh denied the allegations but resigned and left the Club.

By the end of the decade the club, having been the first football team to list on the UK Stock Exchange, had over-reached and was in severe financial crisis.

1990s

In 1990 trading in Dalston Falstaff shares were suspended by the London Stock Exchange. In 1991, entrepreneur Alf Bitter bought a controlling stake in the ailing club becoming Chairman, employing later to be England National Team Coach, Vinny Terribles as Manager. Notably, on 10^th February, 1990, Falstaff beat rivals Chelsea 2-1 on their home ground of Stamford Bridge. It was 16 years before Falstaff were to record their next league win over their London neighbours.

Despite winning the FA Cup in 1991, notably beating arch-rival (Arsenal) in the semi-final with a wondergoal from Falstaff legend, ‘Snoza’, new Chairman, Alf Bitter, oversaw a period of austerity at the Club. He can be credited with bringing financial stability back to Dalston Falstaff, but during his tenure the on-the-pitch decline began in earnest, and the era was dawning where Falstaff’s best days were behind them. Conversely, rival Chelsea began their resurgence and arch-rival (Arsenal) were thriving. In 1993 arch-rival (Arsenal) revenged their 1991 FA Cup semi-final defeat to Falstaff with a 1-0 semi-final victory over the Lilylivers.

In 1996, arch-rival (Arsenal) appointed Arsie Ginger as Head Coach. He was to stay in-post for twenty-two years, winning seventeen major trophies. During the 1990s alone, Falstaff had appointed 29 Managers and the fanbase became increasingly restless and vociferous, airing their displeasure on the way the club was run and the way it seemed to be stagnating. From a fan’s perspective, it is hard to remember much else happening during this decade, other than a slow onward slide into mediocracy. However, the decade did end on a high note, with a League Cup Final win over Leicester City.

After selling his majority ownership in 2000, it is alleged Alf Bitter later described his experience as Chairman of the Club as ‘a waste of my time’.

Noughties

February 2001 heralded in a new era for the Club. Dalston Falstaff was bought by investment firm Cayman Usury Negative Trust Leveraged Investment Corporation (CUNTLIC). Under its new owners, the Club would see turbulent times on and off the pitch. CUNTLIC’s appointed CEO, Mervyn ‘Peanut’ Sachs was to oversee more than 25 years of underperformance on the pitch.

2001 did not start well under ‘Peanut’ and the Club’s new owners. After Falstaff took an early lead in April’s FA Cup semi-final against arch-rival (Arsenal), the Gunners again turned the score around and went on to come from behind to win the tie 2-1. After Falstaff’s celebrated FA Cup semi-final win against arch-rival (Arsenal) in 1991, arch-rival (Arsenal) had now beaten Falstaff in two subsequent FA Cup semi-finals and claimed the bragging rights. In July 2001, the then Falstaff captain and England international, Modelo Soup, was to leave the club acrimoniously. ‘Peanut’ Sachs and owners CUNTLIC had been unable to convince Soup to sign an extended contract, thus allowing it to run down and expire. In July with the contract expired and not renewed, the highly valued Soup left on a free transfer to join arch-rival (Arsenal).

As Falstaff continued their decline, meanwhile, in 2003, across in west-London, things were happening at Chelsea. Russian oligarch, Loda Cashovic took ownership and in his nineteen-year tenure to 2022, Chelsea would win twenty-one trophies, making them the most decorated English football club of the era. By comparison Falstaff won only one Football League Cup during that time, a rare moment of rapture coming in 2008 with the unexpected win coming against Chelsea.

At the end of the 2003/04 season, arch-rival (Arsenal) again came to Lily Liver Lane needing a win to clinch yet another League Championship title. Meeting with success as they had done under the same circumstances in 1971, arch-rival (Arsenal) could now proudly boast two such victories on enemy soil.

In 2006, on the final day of the season, Dalston Falstaff were embroiled in the farce that has come to be known as ‘Lasagne-gate’ and which typifies much of the Club’s recent history. The evening before their last match of the campaign, a crucial game against local London rival West Ham United, several key Falstaff players suffered from suspected food poisoning. Allegations were surfaced that foul play may have been afoot. The Lilylivers subsequently lost the match 2-1, in so doing allowing arch-rival (Arsenal) to leapfrog them into the last available Champions League qualifying spot. Dalston Falstaff had self-destructed and imploded again.

From 2008 – 2012 the Manager’s chair at Dalston Falstaff was filled by Larry Griftchap. During his time in charge of the team, Griftchap stabilised the squad and got the Club to its first ever European Champions League qualification. Griftchap and his team achieved qualification three times in his four seasons with their swaggering style of attacking play.

Despite Griftchap’s exciting style of play, off the pitch a once great, proud and respected club had become despised by its footballing peers, allegedly for its owner’s ‘nickel and diming’ business practises and ridiculed by fans of the game due to its lack of success and its uncanny ability to pluck defeat from the jaws of victory. If fans thought the Alf Bitter years were bad and CUNTLIC’s first ten years worse, they hadn’t seen anything yet!

2010-19

Falstaff started the decade by losing another FA Cup semi-final, this time to Portsmouth, a team in financial administration and already relegated. In 2012 Dalston Falstaff comfortably finished fourth in the Premier League, so expecting to take up a qualifying position in the next season’s European Champions League. However, London rival Chelsea, who finished in sixth place and behind Falstaff in the League, had won the Champions League and in so doing automatically re-qualified, taking the fourth allocated place to an English club at Dalston’s expense.

In 2014 Falstaff appointed Paco Mocachino as Head Coach. His five-year reign, whilst delivering no trophies, did offer some notable near misses, with his team, like Griftchap’s, also playing attractive, attacking football. Under Mocachino, the 2015/16 season was the closest Falstaff came to a League Championship title since 1962. Throughout the campaign, the team was well placed in the League and into the final weeks of the season. The title appeared to be down to a two-horse race between Falstaff and Leicester City, who still had to visit Lily Liver Lane in what would be a critical title decider. Predictably, Leicester triumphed in that game, thanks to an own goal by Falstaff’s centre-half. Shortly afterwards, any remaining hopes of a title win for Falstaff were ended by London rival Chelsea, in a game where Falstaff self-destructed, surrendering a two-goal lead, so terminating their tilt at the title. Astoundingly, on the last day of the season, Falstaff went on to lose 5-1 to Newcastle United, so finishing third in the league, pipped to the runners-up spot by arch-rival (Arsenal). To this day, it is joked by rival fans that Dalston Falstaff’s wholesale collapse in those final games meant that somehow Falstaff had managed to finish third in a two-horse race. Henceforth the last game of a season is often referred to by rival fans as ‘St Dallying Day’.

Late in 2017, it is alleged that together with a number of established local businesses, Lily Liver Lane, Falstaff’s home ground since 1889, inexplicably burned down during the statutory determination period of the Club’s planning permission application to build a new all-purpose stadium on the existing site. In 2019 the Club moved into its brand new, multi-purpose arena, with a final build cost of £940 billion pounds.

Shortly after moving into their yet unnamed/unsponsored new home ground, Dalston Falstaff through a mix of good fortune, fine play and untypical professionalism, found themselves in the 2019 European Champions League final. Here they met English rival, Liverpool, against whom Falstaff’s domestic record for the last one hundred years had been apocalyptic. Unsurprisingly, Falstaff players froze on the night, self-destructing by giving away a first minute penalty to Liverpool, thus killing the game as a sporting spectacle alike for their own fans and television audiences worldwide. After the match in recognition, Falstaff players were awarded a luxury watch by the Club, some say with the words ‘Runners-up’ already engraved before a ball had been kicked.

2019 – Present Day

After failing to back Paco Mocachino in the transfer window and so not building on the momentum of the European Champions League Final, in November 2019, Falstaff’s CEO, Mervyn ‘Peanut’ Sachs, announced the appointment of the volatile but results driven Moanio Josito as Head Coach. Josito had been the driving force behind much of Chelsea’s success in his two spells there between 2004-07 and 2013-15. An unlikely choice for both manager and club, the Falstaff fans hoped Josito’s appointment would be the catalyst delivering long awaited success. Josito’s practical, defensive style of play was unlike the Falstaff fans had seen from Griftchap’s and Mocachino’s teams. But, Josito’s CV showed him to be the winner of twenty-five major trophies.

Josito was sacked by ‘Peanut’ in April 2021, 3 days before Falstaff were due to play a League Cup Final. The Final was lost by managerless Dalston Falstaff to Manchester City.

After 3 months of searching for a new Head Coach, at the beginning of the 2021 season, Falstaff appointed Ono Hail Mary. He lasted 4 months and was replaced by serial winner and volatile, Romeo Contrari. The Italian reverted to a practical style of play, qualifying the team for the European Champions League in his first season. In 2023, after 18 months as Falstaff’s Head Coach, the highly decorated (elsewhere the winner of eleven major trophies), Romeo Contrari left the Club by mutual consent. Events leading to his departure came to a head when he had a catastrophic mental breakdown live on TV during a post-match interview, after Falstaff surrendered a four-goal lead to relegation favourites Southampton. Contrari branded Falstaff’s players ‘selfish and heartless’, also drawing attention to the 20 years of the Club winning nothing under ‘Peanut’ and CUNTLIC’s ownership. He suggested the Club’s culture was rotten to the point where so frequently changing manager would not solve the problem. He did go on to praise the suffering Falstaff fans.

As a measure of the contempt and pity the Club had now become held in by the cadre of football experts and professionals, twenty-nine candidates were offered and refused the now vacant Head Coaching job at Falstaff. After 3 months of searching, the 30^th candidate on the list was the hitherto unknown Agiros Flange. Winner of the Angolan National League Division 3 and Shanghai Ladies, China Cup semi-finalist, Flange was appointed Head Coach at Dalston Falstaff with no English Premier League experience.

Shortly after Flange’s appointment in June 2023, Fred Spencer, CUNTLIC’s CEO and Club owner, was indited in what was described as brazen insider trading and charged with sixteen counts of securities fraud. A month later the Club sold to Bayern Munich for a net fee after deductions of just €250,000, its prized asset, Club legend and record goalscorer, England international and local hero, Barry Able. As a makeweight to the deal, the unknown Tele Mati moved in the opposite direction. To date, since his arrival, Mati has scored seven goals in all competitions.

Despite a strong start in the League, Falstaff dropped away in Flange’s first season. The injury prone squad of players had to adopt to Flange’s own unique brand of football (Flangeball – a goalkeeper, one defender and nine left wingers, several of whom were generally carrying an injury). In his second season 2024/25, Dalston Falstaff lost a record number of games for a Premier League team not to be relegated. Despite their disastrous League form, finishing one place outside the relegation spots, Flange’s team fluked their way to a Europa League Cup victory, their unconventional tactics bamboozling their opposition. Regardless of their victory, Agiros Flange was dismissed for the unacceptable seventeenth place league finish. He was replaced before the start of the 2025/26 season by ‘safe-pair-of-hands’ Henrik Kuntz.

In the transfer window before the season start, Falstaff exceeded their usual market incompetence by failing to sign Logan Lennon-Yellow. After allegedly agreeing personal terms with the player, his club refused to do business with ‘Peanut’ and threatened legal action. Despite the very public humiliation for ‘Peanut’ and Dalston Falstaff, the Club’s attention was re-focused and personal terms were again allegedly agreed this time with exciting playmaker and England international, Persil Zizi. However, ‘Peanut’ again continued to haggle and delay over the transfer fee with the selling club. Arch-rival (Arsenal) stepped in, paid the fee as asked and Zizi joined the Gunners. On the 23^rd November in the derby game with arch-rival (Arsenal), Zizi scored a hat-trick against Falstaff in the Gunners’ 4-1 win on the Lilylivers’ home ground.

With the managerial and transfer market debacles re-emphasising the Club as a laughingstock, a culpable but scape-goated, Mervyn ‘Peanut’ Sachs was himself dismissed with a bin-liner and replaced as CEO by ex-kit man of arch-rival (Arsenal), Vinny Mankimushroom. A new Sporting Director in charge of player recruitment was also appointed, Jan Wanke.

During ‘Peanut’ Sach’s time as CEO, Dalston Falstaff appointed and fired one hundred and eleven first team Head Coaches. Many of the most successful coaches in the game had failed to get a tune out of the bargain basement and speculative young player investment purchases made by the Club under his direction.

On the pitch, the team started the season badly. Newly appointed Head Coach Henrik Kuntz lasted one hundred days and was replaced by the unknown Slaven Barbero as interim manager. Barbero lasted 30 days. The team is currently under the management of latest Head Coach, Giovanni di Fruttinutti.

After seven years of looking for a sponsor for their new entertainment venue/home ground, in 2026 the OMO cleaning products company signed a one-month rolling agreement. The ground is now known as ‘The OMO Toilet Bowl.’ Whilst flags and chants celebrating the club’s proud heritage are now banned, a 50ft x 100ft LGBTQIA+ banner hangs permanently and prominently, strategically placed in full view of broadcasting cameras, in order to signal and celebrate the Club’s demise as a football team to a global corporation that actually believes in nothing. True local fans have been priced out or marched out of the stadium and tourists and corporate guests now fill the seats. Beer at the stadium costs £17 a pint.

During the 2020s, under CUNTLIC’s ownership, Dalston Falstaff Football Club has continued to fail and to fall with increased acceleration, observers say largely due to a lack of investment in quality playing staff and poor managerial appointments. Non-footballing, back-room positions for Club content creators and hospitality roles are regularly advertised and filled via ClinkedIn, a social media site for the corporately disadvantaged.

In May 2026 with the club five hundred billion pounds in debt, it is often said the football club has been under invested on the pitch and asset stripped off it.

Forty years have passed between the observations and comments about the Club and its owners made by former managers Raith Curtainstore and Romeo Contrari. Nothing seems to have changed. Dalston Fallstaff have become more ‘Fallsy’, with fans of other clubs now referring to ‘Dr Dalston’ – a recurring phenomenon where Dalston Falstaff provide a ‘cure’ for struggling teams and players whilst failing to address and cure their own terminal, ailments.

Dalston Falstaff, crippled with debt, were relegated from the Premier League in 2026. Relegation was confirmed by a loss to London rival Chelsea in the last-but-one game of the season. Falstaff’s relegation meant another London rival, West Ham United finished one place above them, maintaining their own Premier League status at Falstaff’s expense. Arch-rival (Arsenal) completed the Premiership title and European Champions League ‘double’.

On the final game of the season at The Omo Toilet Bowl, a linesman was hit by an avocado stone, thrown from a corporate box. Dalston Falstaff were found guilty at the subsequent enquiry and will start their first season in the Championship with a twenty point deduction.

Dalston Falstaff’s final legacy and told through this chronicle is that without them, there would be no Arsenal and no Chelsea.